From 12-19-19, here is a column of Christmas past. — CS
Christmas movies on Lifetime have borrowed a trick from Marvel.
In many films on the network this season, characters are delayed by Winter Storm Megan (or Meghan), leading to speculation that they all take place in a LIfetime Cinematic Universe, similar to how all Marvel movies take place in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
So with a connection, however tenuous, between Lifetime and Marvel, how long before an enterprising producer pitches a Lifetime Christmas superhero movie?
It’s not such a stretch, really. Christmas has always had a connection with the supernatural, going all the way back to the original Bible story. After all, what is the Nativity if not an origin story for Jesus, a man who later walks on water and spontaneously resurrects?
In “A Christmas Carol,” Charles Dickens gives readers ghosts and time travel among all the Victorian trappings of the holiday.
And Santa Claus, the jolly old elf himself, must have abilities far beyond those of ordinary mortals to manufacture all those toys and then transport and deliver them in one night. To say nothing of the laws of physics he violates with a sleigh propelled by flying reindeer.
So a Christmas superhero is a natural.
I’m thinking Yule Man, dressed all in green with a red cape, the Mastercard logo emblazoned across his chest. His powers include zooming from store to store, clearing snow-filled parking lots and helping elderly customers carry bags to their cars.
Rocketed to Earth as an infant from the doomed planet Tinsel, he was raised by kindly Dollar General managers to use his great powers to support American capitalism and shoddily-made foreign imports.
His x-ray vision can tell shoppers when a doorbuster is truly sold out or when there are more ferreted away in the stockroom. And his super hearing can detect the true identity of every Secret Santa.
Or maybe XMas-Men, a team of mutants born with enhanced shopping genes, who can conspicuously consume from 12:01 a.m. on Black Friday right through Boxing Day on Dec. 26. Shunned by most of humanity, they nonetheless are responsible for almost single handedly driving up the GNP and moving retailers out of the red and into the black.
Of course, what are superheroes without villains?
The Porch Pirates don’t even have to be invented, and they already have an alliterative name and a hissable modus operandi.
A battle between Yule Man and the Porch Pirates could be pretty epic, raging above residential neighborhoods before moving into more urban areas, where the two sides could punch each other into buildings and buses, all while shouting lines like, “You’ll never get this box of shrink-wrapped fruitcakes, Yule Man!” Eventually, Yule Man must say, “Delivery complete!” as he knocks out the last pirate.
One problem is that Lifetime Christmas movies have notoriously low budgets, so typical superhero shenanigans aren’t feasible. Plus, any storyline in the movies, from magic shoes to saving a cultural landmark, must take a backseat to a budding romance between the two leads.
So our hypothetical superhero movie must involve an enterprising female reporter seeking to solve the mystery of the town’s new hero, who is performing random acts of kindness. She is competing for this scoop against a rival male reporter who looks like the stud on the cover of every GQ.
The stud is eventually revealed as Yule Man, who along the way falls in love with the heroine and yadda yadda yadda, Winter Storm Megan, yadda yadda yadda, true love always.
I already have a title: “Christmas Cape-ers.” Get it?
It seems like a winner. In the true spirit of Christmas, does anybody have a couple of million they’d like to invest?
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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