Early on Christmas morning, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va.) is awakened by three ghostly visitors.
Spirits: Joe! Joe! Joe!
Manchin: Mr. President? Is that you?
Spirits: No, we are the spirits of Christmas Past, Present, and Future!
Manchin: Aren’t you supposed to come one at a time?
Christmas Past: Solo visits work better for covetous old sinners like Ebenezer Scrooge.
Christmas Present: But you, sir, are much worse.
Christmas Future: Much, much worse.
Manchin: Worse than a miser? How so?
Present: You have withheld support for the Build Back Better Plan, which would benefit your constituents and the nation.
Manchin: But I can’t vote yes. It would be a breach of my commitments.
Future: To who?
Present: To who?
Past: To whom?
Present: (aside to Future) That Christmas Past is certainly a stickler for grammar.
Present and Future: To WHOM?
Manchin: To my big-money donors in the fossil fuel industry! Oops, I mean the working people of West Virginia, who rely on me to protect their livelihoods.
Past: Build Back Better will provide for more jobs in clean energy!
Present: It will pay for child care and preschool for thousands of West Virginian children!
Future: It will provide for rental assistance and affordable housing!
Past: It will cut taxes for working families!
Present: It will expand healthcare coverage!
Future: It will expand school lunch programs!
Manchin: But the cost! Two trillion — maybe double that if Congress extends parts of it somewhere down the line. And I know those bleeding-heart progressives — they’ll argue that we have to make those provisions permanent! Even if it’s bad for business.
Past: Business?
Present: Mankind is your business.
Future: The common welfare is your business. Charity, mercy, forbearance, benevolence …
Manchin: What in the dickens are you talking about?
Past: We’re talking about conflicts of interest, the half a million you made from investments in the coal industry in 2020 alone, according to the Washington Post.
Manchin: For spirits, you sure keep up on current events.
Future: Hey, what else is there to do? Otherwise, it’s all wearing the chains we forged in life, ya know?
Present: Your family works in coal, Senator!
Future: Their business sells waste coal to a West Virginian power plant. That plant pollutes and pollutes and pollutes …
Manchin: But it makes me a ton of money! I mean, it’s not a conflict because any money is in a blind trust. It’s legal! And Build Back Better is just too expensive!
Future: But Congress this month passed a $768 billion defense bill, $24 billion more than the Pentagon asked for. Passed without any concern over cost!
Manchin: With bipartisan support! Bipartisan support, spirits!
Past: We know.
Future: Which is why we will be visiting many more lawmakers tonight.
Present: Don’t forget all the GOP senators who don’t support Build Back Better. And all the candidates who refuse to acknowledge that President Biden won the election. We need to haunt them, too.
Past: Plus all the people who’ve decorated their Trump/Pence signs with Christmas lights.
Future: And columnists who rewrite “A Christmas Carol” and make it political.
Present: Oh, yeah, they’re the worst. Listen, Manchin, we gotta go. But you’re getting a lump of coal in your stocking this year. Boo.
Manchin: Coal? Excellent! I love coal!
Reach Chris at chris.schillig@yahoo.com. On Twitter: @cschillig.
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