It’s almost a New Year.
Cue the ball drop in Times Square and Groundhog Day jokes about 2021 being a repeat of 2020, albeit with diminishing returns.
In keeping with the season, the elves at Casa Schillig have taken a trip in the Wayback Machine and bestowed the following awards for the last 12 months, with the hope of better days in 2022:
Get Off My Grid, You Darn Feds Award to Texas officials, who ignored federal recommendations to shore up their power grid, the failure of which contributed to more than 100 deaths after a winter storm bulldozed the state in February. Being independent is great. Being independent at the cost of human lives is pigheaded and foolish.
The Red Planet, Calm Demeanor Award to a helicopter from the U.S. Perseverance, which flew on Mars in April, a first for robotic flight on another planet. Best of all, since no humans were aboard, nobody was arrested for bad behavior.
E.T. Phone Home Award: While we’re on the topic of outer space, how about that long-awaited UFO report by the Pentagon? In an examination of 144 cases, the report basically said that more study is needed. It was like watching “Close Encounters” but stopping after Richard Dreyfuss makes his mashed potato sculpture.
Are You Sick of Knowing What Your Neighbors Think Yet Award to social media. Facebook was a focus of concern for algorithms that push engagement over accuracy, but all social media platforms need to be more transparent about how they prioritize posts and comments. If a wizard waved a wand and made all social media disappear for 2022, many Americans would see decided improvements to their mental health.
Clock-Is-Ticking Award to all of us, citizens of the world. We must put climate concerns ahead of our own self-interests. The United Nations issued a report last summer that was anything but a lighthearted beach read, punctuated as it was by extreme weather events around the world, widely believed to be exacerbated by human-influenced climate change.
Sequel Nobody Wanted Award to “COVID-19: The Holidays Special.” Increasing infections, overrun hospitals, out-of-stock tests and a not-insignificant number of holdouts who refuse to be vaccinated, wear masks or maintain social distance. Can you cough to the tune of “Jingle Bells” or “Auld Lang Syne”? How about “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”? Because it looks like this turkey will be held over through spring.
Best-Dressed Seditionist Award was a tough one, what with all the whining little man-babies hoping for a 1776 moment when they showed up in Trump-inspired finery at the Capitol on Jan. 6, following the directive of their Orange Messiah to “fight like hell.” But I’ll go with the QAnon Shaman, with that horned helmet and fur hat look that inspired countless redneck Halloween costumes.
Biggest Schmeck/Schmuck Award goes to Jared Schmeck, who called the NORAD Santa Tracker on Christmas Eve, engaged in light conversation with President Biden and first lady Jill Biden, and saw fit to end the conversation by saying “Let’s Go Brandon!” The expression has a decidedly non-Yuletide meaning. Schmeck is now, predictably, playing the victim card over pushback from the exchange, saying that it was “just an innocent jest.”
Fight the Man Award goes to U.S. workers, who discovered economic leverage and used it to help drive up wages in traditionally low-paying positions, forcing employers to loosen the purse strings a little. If frontline workers in grocery stores and restaurants really are essential workers — and they are — then they should be paid accordingly.
Most Out-of-Touch Purveyor of Pop-Culture Award goes to me. I leafed through Time magazine’s Best of Culture section recently and realized I haven’t read, listened to or watched any of the publication’s choices for best nonfiction or fiction books, albums, movies, TV shows or podcasts. None of it. I guess I really do wrap myself in cotton at the end of the day and hole up in a closet until the next morning.
On second thought, maybe that’s not a bad way to face this New Year.
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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