Tuesday, September 5, 2023

Sixty-Second Solutions 6





It was the last week of the school year at Sallami Middle School, and everybody was anticipating summer vacation. You could feel it in the classrooms. You could feel it in the lunchroom. You could feel it in the gym.

You could especially feel it in the hallway, for several reasons. First of all, the entire sixth-grade class was cleaning out lockers, throwing out unwanted papers and folders and discovering hats, pencils and pens that, in many cases, were last seen in early October.

Secondly, the air conditioning had broken. It was a balmy eighty-seven degrees outside, and twice as hot inside.

Samantha Spade wiped the sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand, then turned to her locker. She had quite a way to go before it would ever pass inspection by Mr. Entleman, her homeroom teacher. She had a huge pile of library books in the bottom of the locker: books on fingerprinting, the legal system and police investigation. She wondered how much her fine would be.

Mr. Entleman, patrolling the hallway like a guard dog, pointed to the books. “Better get those back,” he cautioned.

“Yes, sir.” She gathered up the volumes – thirty in all – along with the block of wood that doubled for Mr. Entleman’s hall pass and headed for the library. All those books in her hands made it hard for her to see, and she had to stop several times and use the walls to keep the stack from tumbling.

Finally, she reached the library door, which was slightly ajar, and pushed it open with her back. She nodded toward Mrs. Dewey, the teacher who had taken over for Mr. Oplin , the regular librarian, after he had tripped over a stray encyclopedia volume and broken both his arms three weeks before. Mrs. Dewey had books piled on all the tables and bookshelves. The piles made the load in Samantha’s hands look small by comparison.

“Oh, Samantha, my favorite AWOL book borrower!” Mrs. Dewey exclaimed. Usually, the librarian had a bright, sunny disposition; today, she looked frazzled. She had a typewritten inventory sheet in front of her, and a pencil tucked behind her right ear. “Just put them over on the table, dear.”

Samantha looked around the room, trying to spot an empty spot.

“Uh, which table?” she asked.

Dewey glanced around as if noticing the mess for the first time. She chuckled. “Oh, just pile them nicely on the floor, then.”

Samantha put down the books and came over to Mrs. Dewey. “What are you working on, ma’am?” she asked. “End of the year inventory?”

“Exactly,” the librarian responded. “I’m trying to match up missing books to kids, and smooth over inconsistencies. If students haven’t returned all books and paid their fines, the school can’t give them their report cards.”

“I’m sure most kids wouldn’t mind that,” Samantha giggled.“Can I help?” Anything was better than going back to her dirty locker.

“Well, I suppose,” said Mrs. Dewey. “Maybe it will help to work off your fine, which, judging by the pile of books you’ve returned, is significant.”

The librarian handed her approximately twenty sheets of paper. Each sheet listed a different student with overdue books, the amount of fines owed by each, and the cost of the books if they had to be replaced. Samantha’s job was to put them in financial order so that the information about students who had failed to return the most expensive books were on top.

Jasper Jankins, a seventh-grade student, was by far Public Enemy Number One in terms of book borrowing. Not only had he failed to return forty-seven books, but he had two books – “The History of Great Britain” and “True Stories of Gangsters” – valued at over $65 each. His total unpaid fines came to almost 40 dollars, and the total value to replace all the books he had borrowed was almost $250!

When Mrs. Dewey saw Jasper’s bill, she was horrified. She instantly got on the public address system and called Jasper down to the library.

“Look at this list,” she said, while the two were waiting for Jasper. “Why, he’s checked out twenty-five books in the Shivery Spine mystery series alone! I’m amazed we have any books left in this library!”

A few moments later, Jasper strolled in. He had a shaved head, deep blue eyes and what appeared to be a permanent smirk on his face.

“Hey, Mrs. D!” Jasper said. “What’s up?”

“Your library fine,” replied Mrs. Dewey. “And my blood pressure. Jasper, you owe this library forty-seven books.”

Jasper looked shocked. “No way!” he said. “I brought three books back last week. We’re all squared, Mrs. D.”

“Not quite, Jasper,” said Mrs. Dewey, looking over the list. “You owe us eleven books in the Sports Profiles series and nine of the Adventures of Strato-Man books, and …”

“No way,” Jasper interrupted. “I never checked out any of that stuff.”

Mrs. Dewey asked to see his card. Jasper reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet, opened it, and frowned. He held the wallet upside down and shook it; only lint fell out.

“Hmm,” he said. “I forgot – I lost the card a couple of weeks ago. Somebody must have found it or stolen it and then checked out a bunch of books in my name! The bums!”

Samantha stepped up. “Mrs. Dewey, is it possible that somebody could use another student’s card to check out books?”

“Technically, yes,” Mrs. Dewey said. “The cards don’t have photos, and I don’t know all the students well enough to match names to faces. I’ve only been here a few weeks.”

“Right. And in that time, somebody must’ve robbed you blind in the Shivery Spine section,” Jasper said.

“Jasper, you’re still responsible for the titles checked out in your name,” said Mrs. Dewey. “You should have reported the card stolen.”

Jasper raised his voice. “I didn't know it was stolen! I thought I lost it! You know, in my bedroom or in the garage or something!”

“Be that as it may, you’re still responsible for the missing books. If I were you, I’d check around your bedroom and in your desk, just in case some of those forty-seven books are yours.” Mrs. Dewey pressed several keys on the library’s computer. “In the meantime, I’ll lock your account so that no other books can be checked out in your name.”

“Whatever,” said Jasper. “But I promise you that I don’t have any of those forty-seven books,” said Jasper.

Samantha spoke up. “Maybe not anymore. But you were the one who checked them out, and I can prove it.”

HOW DOES SAMANTHA KNOW? SEE BELOW FOR THE SOLUTION.

* * * * *


Jasper mentioned that somebody had robbed the library blind in the Shivery Spine mystery section, but how would he have known that unless he was the one who checked out the books? Remember, he interrupted Mrs. Dewey before she had a chance to tell him the names of all the books taken.

When he realized he was caught, Jasper promised to bring all the books back to school the next day and pay his past-due fines.



Friday, September 1, 2023

Alice Cooper, Road Warrior



I have some thoughts about Alice Cooper's latest, Road, but wanted to wait to share them until after I'd had time to digest his disappointing comments about trans people.

It's a testimony to how much Cooper is loved and respected that even fans who disagree with him are bending over backward to interpret his words in a way that paints the 75-year-old shock rocker in a positive light. 

Yeah, he's entitled to his opinion. But since he's built a career based in part on gender-bending wardrobe changes and inclusiveness for people who don't follow the dictates of society, some of his comments are a little ... well, shocking. 

Cooper didn't completely dismiss trans people, no matter what the headlines say. He said there were legitimate "cases of transgender" but also worried that it was a "fad." He repeated tired old talking points about men pretending to be trans so they could use women's restrooms and "have the time of [their] life in there." He also criticized "the whole woke thing."  

Sentiments like these aren't unusual from somebody Cooper's age, especially given the calcified grip with which that demographic clings to Fox News, but it's unusual to hear it from him. 

Unfortunately, the singer violated a policy he's articulated in many interviews and at least one song: "Shut Up and Rock" (from 2021's Detroit Stories). 

I had to parse how his words will affect not only his transgender fans but also their parents and grandparents. Granted, people should not place too much stock in the opinions of celebrities, yet they do. I've lost count of the social-media posts I've seen that say, "I stand with Alice," "Right on, Alice," "100%," and so on, indicating he's given some fans another reason to shun inclusivity. His words are going to make life a little tougher for kids and parents dealing with these challenging issues, and that's a shame. 

For this lifelong fan, his words also mean that Alice Cooper the Man isn't nearly as cool as Alice Cooper the Performer. Consider that bubble duly popped.

Now, on to Road.

It's solid. Cooper and his longtime touring band have crafted a loose concept album, with songs about world travel and hard rockin'.  This is a shallow theme around which to build an entire record, and that lack of depth is reflected in the lyrics, too many of which are basically about how cool it is to be a rock star in general and Alice Cooper in particular. 

Road could be more relatable to us working stiffs if it had included numbers about the different types of folks one encounters while traveling — salespeople, soldiers shipping out or on their way home, refugees, and the like. Instead, the record focuses on just the vagabond rock-star lifestyle—fine, but limiting. Imagine From the Inside without Nurse Rosetta, Millie and Billie, and Veronica for a sense of the missed opportunities here. 

Given the album's singular focus, though, it's not surprising how it pays homage to various Cooper classics that are staples of his live show. Listeners will hear callbacks to "Elected" at the tail end of "I'm Alice," and a lyrical echo of "Eighteen"— like it, love it, like it, love it — in "All Over the World." Self-reference has been a signature Cooper characteristic for decades; this album is no exception.

Road's great strength is how comfortable everybody is with everybody else. Cooper's touring band — Ryan Roxie, Tommy Henriksen, Nita Strauss, Chuck Garric, and Glen Sobel — are here in full force, ripping through songs with the confidence that comes from playing with one another night after night. 

Cooper, too, is in fine voice. He has always had a raspiness to his delivery, which is used to especially good effect here. The song "100 Miles" addresses the end of the tour—and maybe the end of the line—for a nearly hoarse Cooper, who ruminates about having "no place at all to be" and "nobody yelling, 'Hey, man, it's time to go.'" The song suggests a more serious vein for Cooper to mine in future releases, one that would be entirely appropriate given his ouevre's morbid focus: impending mortality.

A highlight is "White Line Frankenstein," about a coked-up trucker. Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello provides six-string lightning throughout. 

"Baby Please Don't Go," an appealing ballad, reminds listeners of Cooper's softer side and wouldn't be out of place on FM rock radio today. A remake of "Road Rats" fits well with the road theme, as does a cover of "Magic Bus," which closes the album.  

It all goes down easy and actually grew on me with each listen. Road does not travel along any interesting byways or take any intriguing detours, yet it barrels down the highway at a fast clip. Sometimes, that's enough. 

I haven't had a chance to watch the blu-ray of 2022's Hellfest performance, included with the CD, but I suspect it will be a typically high-energy set. Alice seldom disappoints live. 

Safe to say that if you've always liked Cooper— and particularly if you like the musicians who have been playing with him now for many years—you'll like Road. I give it a solid B.