Modern readers weighing in on the controversy surrounding Dr. Seuss Enterprises’ decision to stop publishing six of the author’s titles omit one incontrovertible truth: Most of the good doctor’s books are too darn long.
This is a scandalous comment to make at the tail end of Read Across America Week, which marks the anniversary of Seuss’s birth, but there it is. I love his rhymes, stories and art — mostly clever, whimsical and fun — but many of his books overstay their welcome by at least 20 pages.
Some parents on bedtime-story duty cringe when the little ones select “The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins” or “And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.” After the prolonged agony of the pre-bedtime bath, followed by the sublime torture of the pre-bedtime snack, both coming only an hour or so after the horrors of the post-supper homework struggle, any story longer than three-and-a-half minutes is highly suspect, and these two books are like the “Ben-Hur” or “Cleopatra” of the storytime set.
Published in 1938, which I suspect is before Seuss knew exactly what he was doing as a children’s author, “The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins” is especially unbearable. It’s a fairy tale of sorts about a waif who can’t tip his hat as a sign of respect to the king, because every time he does, a new hat appears on his head. It doesn’t even rhyme, and a Seuss story in prose is like a Playboy bunny in an ankle-length flannel robe — what’s the point?
Joe and Jane Average Parents just know they are going to be subjected to each and every one of those 500 hats, most of them exactly the same (red hat with one feather). By the time the hats start to change in appearance (red hat with two feathers, red hat with three feathers with a jewel, ad infinitum, ad nauseum), any erstwhile enthusiastic adult reader is writhing in torment because 40 minutes have passed and the damn hats just keep coming and the kid is as wide awake as ever.
A more sensible title would have been “The 100 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins,” or better yet “The 26 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins,” if only because “The 9.2 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins” is too much to hope for.
“Mulberry Street,” despite the artwork that makes it problematic for today’s kids, is a little better. At least it rhymes. And the repetition — like “The House That Jack Built,” but on speed — means that a cagey parent can accidentally-on-purpose skip two or four or 16 pages, especially ones that have been torn out prior to story hour. (Although don’t tear too indiscriminately, as “Mulberry Street” is one of the titles to be retired. As such, it is already commanding high prices on the secondary market, so an enterprising parent with a copy could conceivably clean up.)
Most of Seuss’ later works — think “Green Eggs and Ham” — are superior because they have fewer words and move a lot faster. This means parents have a chance of getting the kids tucked in before halftime ends or before they need another trip to the bathroom or a drink of water or any of the dozens of reasons little ones can find to keep Mom and Dad jogging up and down the steps until 11:30 p.m
And for those readers who think I’m criticizing Dr. Seuss only because it’s fashionable for liberals to do so in 2021, note that I originally wrote this column 10 years ago. With some light editing and updating, it works just as well today.
Call it a favorite bedtime story that nobody asked for. Kinda like those 500 hats or that ridiculous street.
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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