The star of Wednesday night’s debate between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris was the fly that alighted on the vice president’s head and lodged in his hair for two minutes like a large piece of soot from the wildfires out west.
This intrepid columnist was fortunate to score an exclusive interview with the fly, which hopped an airplane back to Cleveland shortly after his extended cameo.
Below are some highlights, translated from Basic Fly through Google, which may account for inaccuracies in the fly’s responses.
Chris Schillig: So, Mr. Fly …
FLY: Call me Brundle. Everybody does.
CS: Brundle, you’ve had a couple of interesting days. Tell me how you ended up on the vice president’s head.
FLY: To be honest, I thought I was late for practice. It wasn’t until I got onto stage that I realized it was the actual event.
CS: Are you saying YOU were the vice president’s debate-prep partner?
FLY: Yes. The campaign didn’t want to overwhelm the big bzzzz (untranslatable), and I had open dates in my schedule.
CS: What qualified you?
FLY: I have a long history in show biz. I was an extra in that Jeff Goldblum movie in the 1980s.
CS: The ’80s? But surely flies don’t live that …
FLY: BZZZZZZZZZ
CS: OK, since the ’80s, then. Where have you been for the last three decades?
FLY: I fell on hard times. I flew into a brewery in the late ’90s and found myself in the bottom of too many vats, if you know what I mean. (Brundle winks one of its three eyes and attempts to nudge me with what passes for its elbow.) When the economy tanked in the 2000s, I had some lean years where I couldn’t even find any suitable bzzzzzzz (untranslatable) to land on.
CS: The Internet was abuzz (sorry) with your appearance since you were not wearing a mask.
FLY: I wear a mask when I need to. I’ve worn many masks, but they’re too small to see with the naked eye and I take them off as soon as I can. I’m not like Joe Biden. That guy would wear a mask even if he were 20 feet away from you.
CS: Brundle, you’re starting to sound suspiciously like the president.
FLY: Am I?
CS: Have you been tested for COVID? Have you been in close proximity to the president?
FLY: I travel with him, actually. You may have seen me at the rallies if you look closely. I’m the hairy little guy in the MAGA hat.
CS: To be fair, that doesn’t description doesn’t exactly make you stand out.
FLY: Good point. But as for COVID, no, I’m good. Plus, you can’t live your life in fear, you know? I’m already awfully old for a fly, so I guess the way I look at it, I’m willing to die if it means others can be free and the economy can come back.
CS: You’re willing to sacrifice yourself on the altar of economic prosperity?
FLY: Oh bzzzzzzz yeah. I mean, I do have a rather small brain, but still.
CS: Is it true that you were whispering answers to Pence on stage Wednesday?
FLY: Complete falsehood. The only thing I kept repeating was, “Act like you care” and “plausible deniability.” There’s a reason that guy looks like he’s kept in the dark, and it’s because he’s kept in the dark.
CS: What about Senate Republicans’ timeline to confirm Amy Coney Barrett before the Nov. 3 election? Where do you stand on that?
FLY: Look, elections have consequences. The president gets to pick, and the party in charge is the party in charge. I was in the Rose Garden when the president announced her as his nominee.
CS: You mean the super-spreader event?
FLY: It was a fly smorgasbord. I stayed off camera at that one.
CS: Do you worry that Barrett’s confirmation will move the Supreme Court to the right for the next several decades?
FLY: It sounds like you've been poisoned by the left-leaning media.
CS: What about climate change? And the Trump administration’s rolling back of so many environmental regulations.
FLY: If people not being able to breathe and wildfires burning out of control are the price we have to pay for the 1 percent to get richer, then so be it. Plus, it’ll all trickle down to the rest of America. Eventually.
CS: Wow, you are a MAGA fly, aren’t you?
FLY: Trump 2020!
And with that, the fly departed, presumably to prep for his next appearance Oct. 15 in Florida.
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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