If we can potty-train cows, should we still eat them?

In a week dominated by other news, readers are forgiven if they missed the bombshell that cows can be toilet trained.

Animal behavioral scientists in New Zealand managed this feat by managing the cows’ feet. An Associated Press story documents the way researchers enticed cows to enter a “MooLoo,” a special gated area where they then peed. (The cows, not the researchers.)

Flummoxed parents trying to potty-train toddlers will be heartened to note that scientists weren’t entirely successful. Only 11 of the 16 cows in the experiment could be trained; the others, apparently, are still freely peeing in fields, stalls and wherever else cows go when nature calls. (Nature usually calls collect. She’s notoriously frugal that way.)

The AP report notes the cows were trained only to pee, not poop. No word on when or if scientists will attempt to control the animals’ bowel moooovements.

The article also noted that cow urine is an environmental challenge. It mixes with ammonia and can pollute the water and air. If cows could be reliably trained to use MooLoo-like contraptions, it would be easier for farmers to control and dispose of the runoff.

An ancillary issue is this: If cows are smart enough to be potty-trained, why are humans still eating them?

Before I’m mobbed by thousands of readers – OK, dozens … OK, just my mom – advising me in not-so-nice language to take my woke self and my west-coast views somewhere else, I hasten to point out that I still eat beef.

And chicken.

And pork.

And turkey.

A few years back, my wife and I decided to give up meat for a year after a similar epiphany over ethical and environmental considerations. We bought some vegetarian cookbooks, looked up recipes and prepared for our new adventure.

To give ourselves a fighting chance, we decided to limit the duration of our stay in Meatless Vania. We would be vegetarians for one year and then re-evaluate.

The early days were encouraging. We made wonderful meals – roasted cauliflower and vegetarian meatballs, zucchini pasta and portobello mushroom fajitas, loaded smashed potatoes and roasted veggie sandwiches.

We were cooking like the love-child of Julia Child and Bobby Flay mixed with the animal-rights zeal of a PETA board member. And the food was pretty good. I still missed meat, but not as much as I expected. A victory of sorts.

But then reality set in. Work was long, time was short, and it was easier to reach for pre-prepared foods than to whip up nightly culinary feasts, sans meat.

Before we knew it, frozen cheese pizzas became the linchpin of our vegetarian diet. An increase in weight followed.

Holly bailed in August, lured back to carnivorism by the sinful steak burgers offered by a local church at Carnation Days in the Park. I held out through December, but celebrated with a crock pot of pork roast which I inhaled whole at 12:01 a.m. on New Year’s Day.

None of which means that I’m not still concerned about the health and environmental advantages of going meatless, both for myself and the world.

And I’m not above feeling guilty when I hear that cows have strong emotional intelligence, persistent memories, problem-solving skills and the ability to shred like a boss on the solo for “Stairway to Heaven.”

Maybe I’ve been misinformed about that last one.

At any rate, I’m impressed by the cows’ potential to pee on demand, even if I will continue to eat them until my guilt and sense of social responsibility catch up to my palette.

I hope nobody has a beef with that.

chris.schillig@yahoo.com

@cschillig on Twitter