Manufacturers of electric and hybrid cars are looking for a few good noises.
Maybe a swoosh or a beep or a chug-chug-chug. Or maybe the sound of a combat tank or a tanker truck.
Next year, a federal regulation will require electric and hybrid vehicles, which make almost no noise, to include sounds at certain speeds as a warning to pedestrians. Otherwise, drivers of such vehicles could sneak up on runners and walkers or people who are visually impaired and catch them unawares.
Last month, however, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration floated a proposal to allow manufacturers to substitute a “suite of sounds,” according to a New York Times piece by Niraj Chokshi, who reported on the challenges of coming up with just one sound, let alone a litany.
The proposal would allow the automotive industry to broaden its thinking and view this as a co-branding opportunity. Hybrid cars could be the sandwich boards of the 21st century, the aural equivalent of “Eat at Joe’s.” But instead of being worn by hobos and cash-strapped undergrads, these messages would emanate from cutting-edge, eco-friendly vehicles.
Imagine a little old lady starting to cross the street when she hears the familiar Liberty Insurance jingle. You know the one: “Liberty, Liberty, Liberty ... LIBERTY!” She swivels her head to the left to see a stylish Kia Niro, bearing down at 55 mph. Activating her orthopedic shoes and compression stockings, she leaps out of the crosswalk with the pantherish grace of a woman one-fifth her age, accident averted.
Or how about the McDonald’s theme song blaring from the vehicle’s grille? Or the stirring refrain of John Williams’ Star Wars theme, trumpeting Episode XXVII, or whatever number is assigned to the latest journey to a galaxy far, far away?
Not only would pedestrians associate said products with environmental friendliness, but they would also credit them with helping to save lives. It’s that most cliched of marketing outcomes — a win-win. (And if car manufacturers charge for different sounds at different speeds, so that vehicles play Advil commercials at 35 mph, Nike at 45 mph, and so on, it’s also a significant source of income, a true trifecta.)
It wouldn’t be long before politicians got in on the act. Imagine the Toyota Camry Hybrid playing only Bernie Sanders election ads, while the Chevrolet Bolt has an exclusive with Donald Trump. Area dealers could substitute local races and issues of note, so the air would be awash with the sounds of school-board candidates, liquor-license approvals, and levy requests, all accompanied by the legally required disclaimers, fading off into the distance as the vehicles crested the next hill.
Meanwhile, with many drivers still tooling around in their old gas-guzzlers, pedestrians would also be assaulted by the familiar and comforting refrains of missing tailpipes, screeching fan belts and idling engines.
Of course, with most pedestrians lost inside the sound of their own earbuds and headphones, few people will be listening anyway.
Before you think the nation’s automotive-industrial complex is above such shenanigans, consider this: A section of Route 66 in New Mexico plays “America the Beautiful” when driven over at 45 mph. It’s part of an effort by the state’s department of transportation, in conjunction with National Geographic, to stop motorists from speeding.
If they can do that, it’s only a matter of time before an electric car announces that “like a Good Neighbor, State Farm Is There” while riding another driver’s bumper in the passing lane.
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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