Stepping Off for a Straight Pride Parade

Have you seen the Straight Pride flag? 

It’s black and white — because gays, those greedy devils, have already claimed all the other colors of the rainbow for their own flag — with the traditional symbols of Mars and Venus at the center. 

The Straight Pride flag is also very boring, as befits a cause that is similarly boring. 

During June, which is Gay Pride Month, a handful of dingdongs ... excuse me, very concerned citizens, has decided that July needs to be Straight Pride month. Apparently, they feel their rights are being trampled by the many LGBTQ demonstrations in cities around the country and world. 

As a straight man, maybe I should join the straight pride movement. After all, how fair is it that being straight has never gotten me a parade? 

Hmmm. 

Let me tell you some other things that being straight has never gotten me. 

It’s never gotten me shot or lynched. 

It’s never gotten me made fun of in school. 

It’s never gotten me harassed by police. 

Or denied housing. 

Or cried over by a parent. 

Or told I couldn’t marry the person I loved. 

Or subjected to shock treatment. 

Or thrown out of the military. 

Or discriminated against at work. 

Or made the butt of jokes on TV. 

Or prayed for by people who claim to love the sinner and hate the sin but who would be overjoyed if I could somehow change the essence of my being. 

I guess, given all these things that being straight has never gotten me, I can accept that I’ve never had a parade. 

Or haven’t I? 

It is fair to say that heteronormative values have been celebrated in this country and around the world for centuries. 

They’re celebrated every time a man and a woman marries. 

Every time a child is raised along traditional gender lines. 

Every time male and female actors lock lips on the big screen and the audience sighs. 

Every time a picture is snapped of a prom king and queen. 

Every time we can walk down the street holding hands without some jerk in a car doing a double take and looking in the rearview mirror. 

Every time we don’t have any doubts about safely using a public restroom. 

Every time we are accepted, without question, by friends and family who understand and “get” us. 

These are the Straight Pride parades that heterosexual people march in, the ones that step off each morning when our feet hit the floor beside our bed. 

Heterosexual people don’t need a special day or month or flag because we don’t face the same hurdles that gay people do. Because straight accomplishments have never been scrubbed and sanitized out of history books. Because the world doesn’t look at being straight as a psychological illness that can be cured with a little — or a lot — of effort. 

Maybe, someday, LGBTQ people won't need a special month or flag either. 

But the world isn't there yet. 

And as long as people keep having dumb, knee-jerk reactions like Straight Pride Month, it never will be. 

Originally published in The Alliance Review on Thursday, June 13, 2019.