Folks needing another reason to eat badly have one: McDonald’s is selling adult Happy Meals.
I’m doom scrolling through a series of stories that place the promotion somewhere between Dante’s third level of Hell and the Second Coming. Apparently, nothing is lukewarm where McDonald’s is concerned. Except the food itself, of course.
Anyway, the fast-food giant announced adult Happy Meals this way: “One day you ordered a Happy Meal for the last time, and you didn't even know it.”
If that statement is designed to make people feel horrible about aging, then mission accomplished, Mickey Dee’s.
I mean, what’s next? A funeral-home promotion that begins, “One day, you kissed your grandmother goodbye for the last time, and you didn’t even know it?”
Gosh, better Biggie Size that sentiment, dontcha think?
Once consumers shake off the impending sense of doom that comes from corporate recognition that youth is fleeting and the grave is closer than they think, they can take a look inside the festive red box.
But remember Nietzsche 101. When you stare into the Happy Meal, the Happy Meal stares back.
The choices for adults are consistent with the fact that people with mortgages require more calories and won’t be content with a mushy burger and a few carelessly tossed fries.
No, the adult version of Happy Meals includes options like a 10-piece McNuggets or Big Mac. Enough calories to clog whatever arteries are still semi-open after a regular diet of pizza, beer and Skittles. Maybe it comes with a $100-off coupon for a good cardiac specialist.
But let’s face it, Happy Meals were never about the food. They were always about snorkeling through the grease to find the prize at the bottom.
Here’s where the McDonald’s promotion gets really strange. Because the toys are designed in conjunction with Cactus Plant Flea Market. If this name means nothing to you, don’t feel bad.
CPFM is − and I’m copying directly from Google here − “a fashion label crafting original streetwear with signature dye treatments and lettering.” So, this partnership of opposites is somewhat like the Vatican releasing Madonna’s next album. I mean, what’s next, Versace teaming with Walmart?
The toys feature the beloved (?) McDonald’s characters from past generations — Grimace, Hamburglar and Birdie the Early Bird. But here’s the kicker: They all have four eyes instead of two! How clever! How cutting edge!
A fourth character, Cactus Buddy, is also included in the image McDonald’s is using to promote this gastronomic trip down memory lane.
How to describe Cactus Buddy? It looks a little like Pac Man devoured the woozy-face emoji and then slipped on the hat and shirt a McDonald’s employee left behind when she stormed out of the restaurant for better opportunities across the street at Subway.
I mean, why Cactus Buddy and not Ronald? Why is McDonald’s downplaying the role a clown had in its worldwide success?
It couldn’t be that clowns have become super-scary, associated with homicidal killers in Stephen King novels and showcased in urban legends where they’re spotted walking around in the woods, could it?
To be fair, Ronald is hanging out on the periphery of a McDonald’s shirt from Cactus Plant Flea Market, but he looks to be just one of the guys, no more prominent than Mayor McCheese or Officer Big Mac, secondary deities in the fast-food pantheon.
And this is one reason the promotion will struggle, because McDonald’s won’t embrace the essential … uh, cheesiness of its former mascot. Many 20- and 30-somethings would like an edgy McDonald’s to lean into the creepy clown factor.
If your company has an iconic children’s character who has become synonymous with sewer grates and razor-sharp teeth, don’t hide it. Flaunt it.
Give adults a McDonaldland that looks more like a haunted house, and they’ll make the successful Monopoly promotion of years gone by look feeble in comparison.
Heck, a scary Ronald McDonald might even make them eat an adult Happy Meal.
Reach Chris at chris.schillig@yahoo.com. On Twitter: @cschillig.
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