This piece originally ran in The Alliance Review on March 1, 2018, shortly after then-President Trump suggested that some teachers should be armed in the classroom . Sadly, lawmakers are resurrecting the same tired debate in 2022.
Class, class? Please, pay attention.
As I said, I’m Mrs. Rosenfeld, and welcome to the sixth grade.
We have a new friend in class this year, and you can all see him on my hip. Yes, a gun. I am now licensed to carry this weapon in school because of certain awful things that have been happening in our country.
What sort of things? Well, some bad people have been getting into our schools and hurting students, so the president, and Congress — you know, the people who make the laws — and the NRA have decided that I am now responsible for protecting all of you with this weapon.
Excuse me, what’s that? Yes, you. Jason, right?
Oh, yes, Jason, the gun is loaded.
And you? Sierra, isn’t it?
Do I want to carry the gun? That’s a very good question, and I’m not sure I know how to answer it. See, I’m just a few years away from retirement, and my evaluations haven’t been so good lately, so I guess I felt like it was in my best interest to say yes when I was … “voluntold” to protect the entire sixth grade.
What is “voluntold”? You’re a little young to understand, but sometimes you volunteer to do things to help people, and sometimes you are told to volunteer or feel pressured to volunteer. Yes, like when your mommy and daddy make you rake your grandma’s leaves. That’s a terrific example, Jasmine.
Yes, you in the back — Freddy. Oh, great question. Freddy wants to know what a little gun like this will do against an AR-15, which is a much bigger gun that shoots a lot faster and has been used by some bad people to hurt students and teachers. (Freddy certainly knows his guns, doesn’t he?)
Well, Freddy, I don’t really know the answer to that, and I hope we never have to find out. They told me at gun-training school — yes, sometimes teachers go to school just like kids — that some of the best-trained professionals, like police officers, only hit their targets 30 percent of the time, and when the targets are shooting back, that drops to 18 percent, so I don’t know how’d I’d do in a situation like that, and I hope we never have to find out.
But if I ever tell you all to duck, then you duck, just like in the drills from last year, OK?
Another question, Sierra? You certainly are an inquisitive young lady.
I don’t seem excited about having this gun in class? Well, maybe excited isn’t the right word. I mean, I’m excited to teach you math, and when I was a little girl I used to dream about how exciting it would be to teach kids how to read. So, no, “excited” is not how I’d describe having this gun, especially when I have to keep track of it all day, even while I’m walking around your desks and bending down to help you figure out long division.
What’s that? You heard Mr. Bailey in the seventh grade really likes his gun? That’s nice, I suppose. And he likes to sometimes brush his hand across the holster when he makes assignments or disciplines his class? Hmm. Maybe that seems a little threatening, yes? No, it’s not? Oh, because he says it’s not — it’s just a habit he has. I see. Mr. Bailey told me at a faculty meeting last week that he imagines a day when some teachers will want to teach just so they can carry guns around kids because they really like them. Guns, that is, not kids. Although they probably will like kids too. I suppose.
Can you ask that again?
Oh, that’s a terrific question, Jerome. No, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to add more guns to make schools safer, does it? But the NRA tells us it is “counterintuitive.” That’s a big word that means “different than what you expect.” So if we add guns in each and every classroom in America, and use time in college that used to be spent teaching people how to be better teachers to show them how to load, unload and shoot, we will be making education better for every child.
Would I ever shoot a misbehaving child? Heavens no, Benjamin. What would ever make you ask such a question?
Oh, you overheard Mr. Bailey saying it in the hallway with another teacher. Well, I’m sure he was just kidding. After all, he had to be psychologically evaluated before he even went to gun school for teachers and before he got a bonus for carrying a weapon.
What’s a bonus?
Well, that leads us right into our first math lesson of the year. Now if you’ll all open your books to page seven, we can begin.
chris.schillig@yahoo.com
@cschillig on Twitter
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