This first ran in The Alliance Review last July for the Summer Olympics, but works just as well for the Winter Games.
The Scoop — Schillig is in good form today. He’s got the dog on a leash in one hand, the pooper-scooper bag in the other. He goes down for the canine deposit, but the bag’s covering only three of his fingers. He’s bending, bending, got it! Nothing left behind in the grass! It’s a clean grab, but that open finger — what a mess! The sacrifices these athletes make for their sport!
Propane Estimation — The US team has no idea how much fuel is left in that tank with a tray full of hot dogs and hamburgers to grill and a table full of hungry people. It’s going to be close. The flames are sputtering — they just went out! That burger’s no better than rare! All the spare tanks are empty too! What a tragedy! Looks like a fourth-place finish.
The Multitask — Team USA is texting while weaving their cart through the store, talking on speakerphone and snagging a six-pack of craft beer off the top shelf. Yikes! They just sideswiped an old man on a scooter — that’ll cost them precious seconds. Looks like the Canadians are going to make it to the checkout first! Wait, they were distracted by the candy bars. Team USA just sent the text and coasted to the register. That’s good for the gold!
Straight Arrow — Schillig is back for his second event. The goal here is to keep his mowing lines straight with no deviations and no swerving into the neighbor’s lawn. Oh, no! He has the blade set too low; the mower is clogging. Geez, the belt just snapped — for the third time this summer! Those repairs will cost almost as much as the mower itself. What a disappointing finish. Look, he’s crying tears of frustration. What a pity.
Couch Hypocrisy — This is a sedentary event, with the winners determined by how ridiculously they can complain. There’s a lot of griping on the court, but mostly low quality. Hold on! That jerk is criticizing elite gymnast Simone Biles for withdrawing from competition — and the last time he did anything athletic was a split when he slipped on ice taking out the trash. Oh, yeah, that’s podium-worthy hypocrisy there! I’d say he’s sewn up the gold with that performance!
Suitcase Stuffing — Vacation is only hours away and clothes are still in the washer and dryer. Team USA already has the suitcase filled, and they haven’t even added the toiletries. And how are they ever gonna get shoes in there? Where’s the carry-on? What, it’s already exceeded the airline’s weight limit? O, the humanity!
QAnon Conspiracies —Alien lizards in the government? That’s so 2019! No way they’ll medal with that hoary theory. Biden and Harris arrested and Trump reinstated as president on Aug. 13? But wouldn’t that make Pelosi president? That’s even more far-fetched than reptiles in the Capitol! The entire team is disqualified. That’s OK, they didn’t believe the Olympics were really happening anyway, just that they were being faked from a Hollywood soundstage. The entire event is scratched!
Pate Pass — It’s Schillig’s third and final event. Which competitor can reflect the most light? Schillig has an edge here: The poor guy is completely bald. It looks like he oiled his head with vegetable shortening. Here comes the sun from behind the cloud, Schillig races onto the field, the rays are striking that chromedome, bouncing off and … Holy moly, he just incinerated the judges’ eyes, right through their sunglasses! That’s good not only for the gold, but for a new world record! Team USA! Team USA!
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