I often suggest headlines to my editor. My suggestion for this one was "Beware toxic gratitude this Thanksgiving," and that 's the one that was used. But I should have gone with the headline I used here instead. Oh well.
Society at large is starting to understand that we cannot wish away other people’s problems by coaxing them to smile, telling them things aren’t that bad or urging them to play happy music on the radio.
Julia Wuench, writing earlier this month about “Toxic Positivity in the Workplace” for Forbes, lists a plethora of platitudes used in just this way. Among them are “Stop being negative,” “everything happens for a reason,” and “tough it out.”
In full disclosure, I’ve used all of these with family, colleagues and students. My heart was in the right place. I believed I was helping, but I wasn’t.
For the longest time, I thought I was the only person who got annoyed if somebody tried to cheer me up when I was wrestling with a seemingly intractable problem. Turns out I’m not.
Unsolicited, toxic positivity causes me to grit my teeth, grin and say thanks, or walk away before I throttle the unwitting advice giver. I’m sure my impromptu pep talks have inspired similar reactions.
A better alternative, says Wuench, is to “flip the script.” Invite the person to explain their challenge in more detail. Then, express true empathy and offer to actually help them, if it’s in your power to do so.
As we approach Thanksgiving, I wonder if we won’t see the kissing cousin of toxic positivity. Call it toxic gratitude.
You know the drill. Everybody around the table has to say one thing they are thankful for, and it can’t be that Uncle Festus, the handsy pervert, is seated far enough away that he can’t caress your forearm during the meal.
Again, the intentions are good, but the results … not so much. Forcing somebody to dig deep for a moment of gratitude can be as problematic as the seemingly innocuous comments to “cheer up” and “look at the bright side.”
For one thing, you risk learning just how materialistic your family is, as Grandma raves about her Mercedes or cousin Lindy gushes about his over-performing stocks.
For another, the practice threatens to capsize the fragile détente around the table when some (half)wits express gratitude for their MAGA support group and others are glad that the family Karen didn’t melt down in line at the grocery store the day before.
More importantly, however, in a year that has taken a toll on mental health like no other, some guests may not be in the proper frame of mind to demonstrate gratitude. Much like telling a coworker to “suck it up” or “put on your big-boy pants,” pointing out blessings in other people’s lives isn’t going to instigate an epiphany. If anything, it will make them feel worse because they now know their family thinks of them as ungrateful schmucks.
Plus, for some people, Thanksgiving isn’t such a grand holiday even in the best of times. Many Indigenous peoples don’t find much to celebrate about a day that ignores or sugarcoats the senseless slaughter of their ancestors by Euro-Americans, whose descendants will somehow convince themselves that naming sports teams after these tribes is an honor.
For others, this holiday — or any holiday — is a reminder of happier times with people who are no longer in their lives, separated by death, distance or dissatisfaction. They can put on a happy face and mumble the right things, but not easily.
Since I run the risk of being branded an Eeyore or of trying to cancel Thanksgiving, I hasten to add that I plan to enjoy the day by consuming unwholesome amounts of turkey, dressing and noodles in the company of family. If that’s what you do too, then have at it.
All I’m saying is that maybe we could skip the pre-meal humble-brag. Or at least tweak the wording so that we ask if anybody has something they’d like to share. No pressure, coaxing, or reminders about how we have it so much better than Person X in Place Y or Situation Z.
And that maybe we could spare a moment, somewhere among the Macy’s Parade, football and food, to recognize and validate other perspectives, including the ones that find nothing in particular to be thankful for at present.
Reach Chris at chris.schillig@yahoo.com. On Twitter: @cschillig
This article originally appeared on The Alliance Review: Chris Schillig: Beware toxic gratitude this Thanksgiving
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